Pondering
Monday, April 30th, 2007Burnt
I am still quite burnt out from my time in India. Sadly I have not been afforded the luxury of being able to leave my time there behind me as I still need to do some technical support. I am finding it hard to motivate myself to do what I know I should and need to do for that. It makes me feel a failure when I think about all the loose ends and my incomplete training of my replacement. I know that rationally I did a reasonably good job, but getting that knowledge into my heart is so much harder.
Fashion
I am becoming interested in fashion and experimenting with it a bit. It can be a real source of power I think. At least I feel a bit of power when I think I am well dressed.
What I don’t like is $200+ shirts and the self image problems it can create. The sizing of clothing is a concern of mine. I felt really good when I got a pair of jeans that was 32 Waist vs the 35 waist of my last pair of pants. Then when getting some other jeans that week I had to go for 34. It made me feel a bit sad and fat when I realised I was not a true 32. It concerns me that I am worried about being fat.
Friends
I know I would not cope without my friends.
God
I need to trust and love God more.
Looking Forward
I miss having exciting land marks to look forward to. That was a really nice thing about India, I always had coming home to look forward to.
Music
I think I would not cope in this world without music. It helps me so much emotionally.
Sydney
One of my big questions I am working through is my place in Sydney. I am fairly committed there for the next year and a bit but beyond that I don’t know. I still have to work out what I am doing now.
Up vs Down
I have been sampling a little of the upwardly mobile life over the past while. I have been testing myself with it from time to time. My holiday in Malaysia and Singapore was probably the best example of this. I stayed in quite posh hotels and a bit of the high life. This weekend I got a glimpses of what my life could be like as a professional working for profit. It is quite pleasant in many ways. I know that I still have the chance to pursue an upwardly mobile kind of life, but it ain’t me babe. I am becoming comfortable with choosing a downwardly mobile life.
Wine and Word
I have been involved with an experimental experiential bible study and I have really been enjoying it. Organising it made me start to get some illusions of grandeur and in the first bit of it I was steering it one way and then gently another person pushed it in a different direction which was better. Groups really can work well and I have friends with so much wisdom I can draw on.