One Geek

The past 12-18 months or so has been an interesting experience in getting to know David. It’s interesting to see how far God has brought me in my life.

I can remember being a shy unhappy person. I can remember a time when I had this whacked belief that somehow if I could make a girl love me my life would instantly get better and I would be happy. I remember playing unhealthy psychological games with people. The sort where if people didn’t give you the response you were looking for then they didn’t like you. (Those kind of games are wonderful self fulfilling prophesies because the other people rarely know the rules). I can remember a time when I was full of the bile of bitterness and hate. I can remember a time when I was so afraid of rejection that I needed lots of details. I can remember dreams of being rich and how that would prove my worth and give me revenge on my tormentors. I can remember when I lived a life that was rather solitary. I remember having no confidence and difficulty expressing myself orally. I remember almost crying walking home from school then putting on my happy mask just before I walked into my house.

I remember a lot of other pitiable things about who I used to be. But that is the thing I used to be or experience these things. By and large I don’t anymore. I am far more likely to experience an overwhelming sense of being loved then feel lonely. Instead of the bile of bitterness and hate I am more likely to feel compassion. Instead of wanting to be rich to prove others wrong I want to help the poor because that’s where my passion lies. I am not very worried about rejection, I mean I still am a bit but that’s ok I think. I do quite well at public speaking and even talk to strangers much more.

Despite all these things I am still very much a work in progress of course. My current areas of focus are listening and my own self centredness.

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